


Let's Talk About Cats

by misura



Category: Hellboy (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-03-02 12:51:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2812607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Honestly, Hellboy hadn't even noticed the fluffball until it stuck its head of his coat pocket.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Talk About Cats

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kol](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kol/gifts).



> a YT treat, because I love these movies.
> 
> I also, incidentally, love cats, but I'm happy with just the one I have.

Honestly, Hellboy hadn't even noticed the fluffball until it stuck its head of his coat pocket. Not as if he'd _put_ it there or anything. In the middle of a fight. With three Ice Demons freezing the place up left and right.

"What - what's that you got there?" Manning sounded rattled. Looked like he was about ten seconds away from fainting.

"I believe that is an animal commonly known a a 'cat'," said Abe. "A very young one. Hence, 'that' would be a kitten." Good ole Abe. You could always count on him to hit the nail right on the head. 

Pretty useless in a fight, but then, that was what they paid Hellboy the big bowls of pancakes for.

"Not allergic, are you, Manning?" He should be so lucky.

"What are you doing with a kitten? Do you have any idea what the press will do if they catch wind of this? Big red guy running around, snatching kittens? It'll be a nightmare. A nightmare, I'm telling you. I demand you put it back. Put it back _now_. Right where you found it."

"Yeah. Might be a bit tricky, that. Given we kind of didn't leave much of the place standing."

Things might have gotten amusing, except that then Father arrived, looking mildly annoyed, so Hellboy stepped back and let Manning get in the first word.

Manning didn't miss his chance. "He's stolen a cat."

"A kitten," said Abe. "And 'saved', I believe is the right word."

With friends like these, it was a wonder he got into trouble as often as he did. "It followed me home. Can I keep it?"

"A pet, hm?" Father looked thoughtful. "That is a very big responsibility."

"Very big. A very big responsibility," Manning echoed.

"Aw, look at the guy." Hellboy leaned over so Father could lifted the kitten out of his pocket. "He's tiny."

"She," Father said. Manning smirked a little.

"So it's a girl. I can take care of a girl kitten."

Father nodded slowly, once, twice, before he handed the kitten back to Hellboy. "I believe you can."

Manning stopped smirking.

 

"Have you named her yet?" Abe asked.

"I'm not a cat, and I'm not her dad," said Hellboy. "Who am I, to give her a name? Hey, you don't speak cat, do you?"

"Well. I could tell her I don't taste good."

"Yeah. You're useless. He's useless," Hellboy told the kitten, who was batting a tiny paw against the glass of Abe's tank.

"I am not useless. You - oh." Abe blinked at him. "Really, Red. You're doing fine. There's no need to worry."

"How'd you know? You don't even speak cat."

"She feels ... happy. Secure. I think she might even like you."

"You're a terrible liar, Brother Blue."

"Not a liar," Abe said, making some bubbles. "Merely ... optimistic."

"Same damn thing."

 

"You got a cat?" Liz asked. "I leave for two months and when I get back, you've suddenly got a cat?"

"I think Abe got a couple of new books," said Hellboy. "And hey, Manning's got a new tie. Probably missed that, 'cause it's just as dull ugly as all of his other ties. But, you know, life goes on even when you're not here. Sorry."

"A cat is not a book, all right? Or a tie? A cat is ... well, getting a cat is just ... "

"A big responsibility?"

"No!" Liz snapped. "I mean, yes. I mean - a cat? Just like that?"

"I'm impulsive?" Hellboy offered.

"Yes," said Liz. "You are. Impulsive. Very impulsive."

"I'm sorry?" Always a safe thing to tell a woman - or so he'd heard. Seemed to work like a charm on TV, anyway, which wasn't saying much.

Everything always seemed easier on TV.

 

"Perhaps she feels you should have asked her," suggested Abe.

"She wasn't there."

"Well, you know, before," Abe said. "Or, after."

"Or in the middle?" Hellboy patted the pockets of his pants in search of his lighter.

"Ideally." Abe blinked at him a few times. "I believe she does not mind so much about the cat as she minds about the fact that you have not consulted her about it. Consider. How would you like it if I snuck into your room at night and switched out all of your scientific treatises for cheap romance novels?"

"Yeah. My scientific treatises. I'm real attached to those."

"What about ... if someone got you a puppy," said Abe.

Hellboy lit his cigar. "Thought about it, but, you know, dogs. Definitely prefer cats."

"Yes, but what if someone didn't ask? They just got you a puppy. Like that. No previous consultation of your feelings on the matter."

"I'd say 'thanks, pal, but no thanks'."

"You are being deliberately obtuse."

"So how do I fix this thing? Flowers? Liz doesn't like flowers."

"Ah. That _is_ the question, is it not?"

 

Liz held out a box. "I'm warning you: I'm not going to name him. Or feed him. Or anything. You want cats, you can damn well take care of them yourself."

"Them?" Hellboy took the box. Opened it. "Oh. _Oh_. Liz, that's - "

"Don't want some poor kitten to get all lonely just because you're an inconsiderate jerk. So I got her a friend. I mean, what girl doesn't want a friend, right?"

"I - " said Hellboy.

"You're not a girl, Big Red. You're just a dumb ... _guy_."

"I just gave the kitten to Steed. For his niece," said Hellboy. Liz glared. "I ... I thought. I guess I didn't think. You think he's going to give her back if I ask him nicely?"

"Be polite," Liz said. "And quick."

 

"I think he likes her," Hellboy said.

"That's good," Abe replied. "Isn't it?"

"Yeah, but, I mean, what are the odds? One boy cat, one girl cat - and they actually like each other. I mean, they make it all look so easy. Just the other day, I think she was licking his ear."

"Ah. That is a very old mating ritual. I believe humans indulge in it as well, on occasion."

Hellboy blew a raspberry. "Humans. What about people like us, huh?"

"Well, next time Liz leaves, you will at least have the cats."

"I don't want her to leave," said Hellboy. "I want her to stay. The cats stay - why can't she?"

"The cats are, effectively, locked up here. As am I," Abe said. "You and Liz - well, you'll work things out, I'm sure. Eventually. Just give it time."


End file.
